Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks
by fillerab
Summary: What REALLY happened in all of those flashbacks. Final Chap Naruto
1. Sasuke and Itachi

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

AArgghh i had to upload this so many time because of shitty wordpad ... anyways enjoy

Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks

Chapter 1 : Sasuke and Itachi  
....

Little Sasuke was frolicking on his way back home from shuriken training, when he saw his brother wearing suspicious clothing and sitting atop a pole.

Upon closer inspection, he discovered his entire clan massacred.

"WTF?" he screamed as tears streamed down his face.

He ran towards his home, checking to see if somehow his family survived…even though EVERYTHING else was killed.

"Father! Mother!" Little Sasuke screamed at the screen door.

"Sasuke don't come in!" came a voice from inside his home.

Instead of following the direct orders of said voice, Sasuke blatantly disregarded them and stepped inside only to find…

"Father! Mother!" screamed Sasuke yet again, even MORE tears streaming down his face and possibly obstructing his vision.

His parents were lying in a somewhat suggestive position, in a pool of their own blood!

"WHHHHHYYYYYYYY! OH CHRIST!"

"Ku Ku Ku, Foolish Little Brother™…Mangekyou Sharingan!

"AAAAARRRGGGHHHH," Sasuke screamed as he had to relive past events such as, but not limited to, his mother and father complimenting him, his brother (EVIL BROTHER) poking him in the forehead, himself looking cute and sleepy with disheveled hair, and the MASSACRE of his CLAN.

"Oh my GOD …. Itach i….. why? WHY?"

"It was to measure my capacity," Itachi replied calmly.

"Are you fucking kidding me? That's all? You killed everything I have ever loved for that? I am so pissed right now…sigh….If only Norman Ninja were here"

"It was essential," Itachi said.

"That's bullshit! ROOOAAARR!" screamed Sasuke as he ran towards Itachi.

Itachi, being the godly man he is, sucker punched Sasuke out the door and onto the street.

"You can't be my brother! He wouldn't do this:(" said Sasuke with the frowny face at the end.

"I did this to ascertain your capacity also."

"WTF? I'M LIKE FIVE YEARS OLD APPROXIMATELY! MY BALLS HAVEN'T EVEN DROPPED YET AND YOU ARE TRYING TO SEE HOW STRONG I AM?"

"You lack hatred."

"?" said Sasuke's facial expression.

"I mean cough you can awaken the Mangekyou Sharingan and try to surpass me," Itachi made a dramatic pause while flashback music started playing in the background, "by killing your….best friend!"

"Dude … Itachi, I don't have any friends. I spent all my life trying to impress you and our clan to make any. Now it means NOTHING. You motherfucker!"

Completely ignoring Sasuke's comments, Itachi went on with his speech, which he totally rehearsed beforehand.

"If you want to become like me and learn the clan's secrets go to – here do you have a pen? Go to the Main temple at Nakano Shrine, then to the Seventh tatami mat – are you getting all this?"

"You think I'm gonna listen to you? You even killed the freakin' rice cracker man!" yelled Sasuke with tears STILL pouring down his face.

"Aaanyways Sasuke, live an unsightly and horrible life, whilst trying to catch up to me in strength. Then when you have this MAD eye of mine …. COME BEFORE MEEEE!"

"BLLEEAAAARRRGGHHHH!" screamed Sasuke in frustration before passing out in the street like the Foolish Little Brother™ he is.

....

Purlease Review Next ch. – Gaara and Yashamaru

Oh and if you got the Norman Ninja reference than I love you. 


	2. Gaara and Yashamaru

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks

ArmorOfGeddon: Norman Ninja IS the akatsuki leader. There is no one else with so much unlimited power. Plus he has a moustache. Thanks for reviewing!

Chapter 2: Gaara and Yashamaru

…

Gaara and his stuffed animal were having a jolly old time on the swing set while watching children play a game with a ball.

Oh how he wanted to play that ball game.

Then suddenly, like an answer to his prayers, the ball came rolling along into his general direction.

His insides bursting with glee … and Shukaku … so he ran over to the chilluns with the ball.

"HOLY CRAP! THE MONSTER IS COMING! EVERYONE RUN AAAWWWAAAYYYYYY," screamed a child who apparently thought that Gaara had an inner ear problem, therefore could not hear the very obvious rudeness.

Well Gaara does NOT have an inner ear problem and could VERY WELL hear the callous insults.

But he wanted to play with them anyway.

So, by using the infinitely powerful … power … of his sand, he grabbed one of the kids by the legs hoping to PLAY BY FORCE.

But the kid got hurt and ran away instead.

" :( ," said Gaara.  
When Gaara got home he tried to kill himself.

But it didn't work. Darn you sand.

That's when good ol' Uncle Yashamaru came strolling though the door.

"GASP! Gaara do not do that. It makes me sad."

Well Gaara WAS sad. So shut up Yashamaru!

"Yashamaru, what is pain?" asked little Gaara.

You may speak now.

"Well … it hurts. Oh, I am not good with words heehee. Let me show you!" said stupid Yashamaru while he cut his finger with a knife.

"Well that didn't really help me," said Gaara.

"Well, there are emotional wounds and physical wounds. They make you sad either way, I guess," explained Yashamaru.

"Oh I get it now," said Gaara sarcastically.

"It just makes you all hurt and sad and stuff! GOSH!"

"Oh…then I'm wounded all the time…"

In Yashamaru's Brain:  
-Awkward- What am I supposed to say to that?  
Exit Brain or lack thereof:

"Gaara I love you. You are my precious." (haha)

"Reeallyy?" said a delighted Gaara, "Thanks Uncle Yashamaru! Oh by the way, can I have some ointments?"

"Whatever for, young master?"

…

Later

…

After the young boy slammed the door after being offered wonderful ointments, Gaara's metaphorical wounds reopened. Honestly, who refuses ointments? From the house of the KAZEKAGE?

"Why does everyone hate meeee?" wailed Gaara.

He was now sitting on top of a building pondering these thoughts, when suddenly-

HE WAS ATTACKED!

"AARGH! Leave me alone you mean people! I shall have my revenge!"

Then Gaara went all Shukaku on everyone's ass.

"Now I shall reveal who you are! Yes I wi-GASP! YASHAMARU?"

"Yes?" asked Yashamaru.

"Why did you try to kill me?"

"Oh it was because of these silly orders your father gave me … "replied Yashamaru casually.

"Oh phew!" said Gaara wiping his head, "Then it wasn't your fault you tried to kill me! Cause you love me!"

"Oh, no no no, you have it all wrong," said Yashamaru laughing, "I hate you, that's why."

"B-but you said you loved me!" said Gaara with a snivelly, sad face.

"No I was lying LOL. I hate you because you killed my dear sister in childbirth- OH! I know! I have a good example of pain now! When my sister was giving birth to you, she was screaming in agony and cursing your life from existence! HA HA how could I have forgotten that?"

"NOOOOOO!" wailed Gaara.

Then as Yashamaru died, Gaara's forehead exploded.

In a horrible twist of fate and irony, the word LOVE was permanently tattooed on his FACE forever.

……

Thank you for reading and please review!

If there is another chapter it will be Neji…and the MAIN HOUSE. 


	3. Neji and the Main House

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

**Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks**

**Chapter 3: Neji and the Main House**

The day of Hinata's Birthday was a joyous occasion for the Hyuuga Family.

Everyone was in their traditional robes and there was a balloon man. You know, those guys with the weird air blower thing and the really looong balloons. Anyways…

Four-year-old Neji was chillin with his Daddio when he spotted the birthday girl with HER Daddio, that looked just like HIS Daddio. Cause they are TWINS!

"Oh teehee Father! Isn't she cute?" Neji inquired to his ever so solemn Pops.

"Neji, Do not speak like that," said Hizashi.

" … kay," said Neji in his sad voice, " Can I go say Happy Birthday to her?"

"No. You will be-" Hizashi was cut off by his older by like a millisecond brother.

"Hizashi I will be taking Neji now," said Hiashi.

Neji looked from his father, to his uncle, to Hinata, and then back.

"Okaaay? Do I have to Dad? There is something … not good … about this."

Hizashi let out a sob, cursing the gods at letting such a boy with a BRILLIANT inner eye go to waste.

"Just go," Hizashi said dramatically.

Hiashi led the somewhat unsuspecting boy towards the Main House and in front of a door labled 'DOOM'.

The door menacingly creaked open to reveal several whips, chains, and other various torture devices lined up neatly against a wall.

On the other side of the room there was a fairly normal desk equipped with office supplies.

In the center of the room there was a HUUUGE seal painted on the floor.

"You know Uncle Hiashi, I really don't think I'm gonna go in there," said Neji. His eyes were darting around nervously.

"You don't have a choice, Neji. Now come," said Hiashi.

" … Are you going to molest me? I don't think that is going to be fun," said Neji in teensy voice.

Hiashi GUFFAWED at this.

"Do you seriously think that I'm going to screw a little kid? I can get laid anytime I want … cause I'm HYUUGA HIASHI, HEAD OF THE CLAN! Think about it. Have you ever seen Hinata's mom?" Hiasha chortled a bit, "Now get the fuck in the room!"

"NO! You can't make me!" screamed Neji in a high-pitched voice.

_Alright_ Hiashi thought _I must use THAT jutsu_

"Loooondon Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, my fair laaaaady," Hiashi sang merrily, but through gritted teeth. As he sang, he formed a bridge with the wall and continued with his song.

Neji could not resist. He HAD to go under the bridge. No one can resist going under the bridge. Just try it. You can't.

"NOOOOO," Neji screamed as he ran underneath Hiashi's arms and into the room.

Hiashi dragged Neji over to the desk and rummaged through the drawers. He pulled out a fairly large stamp and squashed it on Neji's forehead.

"Okay you're done. You may go now," Hiashi said smugly.

"Wait, that's it?" asked a stupefied Neji, " I thought you were gonna torture me! What's with the scary weaponry?"

"Chains and whips are in every room of the Hyuuga mansion," said Hiashi in a 'DUH' voice.

"Oh yeah …" came Neji's reply, remembering the ominous shackles and leather strips hanging in the corner of his room.

"Okay, so that's your curse seal. Don't disobey me or I'll make you SUFFER THE PAIN OF A THOUSAND DEATHS," said Hiashi in a frightening manner.

"But it's a stamp. I can just go wash it off after I leave."

"It's permanent ink," said Hiashi.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU MAIN HOUSE!" screamed Neji for all eternity.

Thank you for reading, please review.

There are so many hits and so little reviews!

Next chap – possibly Hinata. I really can't think of any more angsty flashbacks.


	4. Hinata and Everyone

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

** Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks Chapter 4:**

** Hinata and Everyone **

**…**

Kurenai was on an enjoyable stroll through Konoha. She was visiting the parents of her new pupils.

Last on her list was Hyuuga Hinata. Little did she know that this would abruptly end her pleasant trip.

Upon asking Hyuuga Hiashi if the perilous tasks and heightened death rate of ninjas would be suitable for Hinata, he replied,

"PSHAW! I am not concerned with what happens to Hinata. She can die for all I care! Seriously, her little five year old sister, Hanabi, is better at everything!"

Kurenai's eyes widened with displeasure.

"You can't really mean that! I'm appalled Mr. Hyuuga!" Kurenai replied angrily to his claims, "Hanabi is like two feet tall!"

"Do not be fooled you silly person! Hanabi can lay the smackdown on anyone."

"Even you?" inquired a now curious Kurenai.

"PSHAW AGAIN! NO ONE CAN DEAFEAT ME! I AM HYUUGA HIASHI, HEAD OF THE MAIN HOUSE! SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HINATA'S MOM?"

"Huh?" said a slightly confused Kurenai.

"Oh sorry, wrong flashback. I'm in quite a few of these," said a chuckling Hiashi, "But to answer your initial question – Do as you please with Hinata. Whatever. She's yours now"

" . " said Kurenai's face as she walked out of the compound, until she saw-

"GASP! Hinata! You've been here this whole time hearing all the abusive and horrible things your father has been saying about you"

"…" said Hinata while frowning. She was so useless.

-Flashback Timeskip-

"Come on Hinata! You've been doing that forever!" yelled Kiba as he watched Hinata punching a log.

"GOD YOU ARE SO USELESS!" screamed Shino.

"Yeah! If punching a log makes a ninja stronger, you'd be like…really strong…but you're not! SO IT DOESN'T WORK!"

"GOD YOU ARE SO USELESS!" screamed Shino again, but louder in a shrill voice.

Hinata battled internally with herself.

_I AM useless! Oh man why do I even try?_

**You are NOT useless. How the hell is that gonna help your already nonexistent self-esteem?**

_Just give in! You SUCK!_

"Okay…" concluded the hopeless little genin.

-ANOTHER FLASHBACK TIMESKIP! (even though it's not really a flashback)-

"So in conclusion, you are a delusional failure, whose futile attempts at gaining strength will never be accomplished," concluded Neji, during their chuunin exam battle.

"guuuh…" said Hinata as blood gushed out of her mouth and her organs stopped working.

"You never were suitable to be a ninja. You worthless craphole. I HATE THE MAIN HOUSE!" screamed Neji as he landed the final blow on Hinata.

This was a horrible sight to watch. Everyone was cringing physically and mentally.

"Come on Hinata! I was pretty useless too! But then I became ANGRY! And kicked everyone's ass!" yelled a pissed off Naruto.

"Omigosh, Naruto! Thank you for saying that…I will defeat you now Neji!" yelled a now determined Hinata.

"PSHAW!" was all Neji said, in a huffy Hiashi-like manner.

Neji and Hinata engaged in mortal combat. They were spinning around and throwing punches like mad. But in the end, Neji poked the shit out of Hinata, sealing his victory.

"Oops…" said Naruto from the sidelines. Everyone in the crowd visibly cringed at the sight of Hinata's face exploding with blood.

"Oh god…" breathed Hinata as she keeled over," I SHOULD HAVE PUNCHED MORE LOGS"

…

**Thanks for reading, please review.  
Next chap- Sandaime and Orochimaru**


	5. Sandaime and Orochimaru

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

**Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks**

**Chapter 5: Sandaime and Orochimaru**

Sandaime was lounging in his majestic tower of wonder glory, when suddenly four, nameless anbu ninjas came waltzing in.

"Lord Hokage! Do you remember all of those people randomly disappearing from their posts without warning or any type of notice?"

"Hmm…let me YES OF COURSE I REMEMBER DIPSHIT!" screamed the ever so stoic Hokage.

"Well we have discovered where they have all gone! And it's not a massive ninja rave like we previously suspected!" said one of the anbu.

"Sigh," Sandaime sighed, "Well tell me where they have gone."

"You're really not going to like this, sir. I don't know how to tell you this…" said the only woman anbu hesitantly.

"If you say that my prized pupil, Orochimaru, captured them and is performing hideous tests on them, I will bitchslap you all."

"…" said all of the anbu while shifting uncomfortably.

"Just follow us, sir."

After going through several drippy tunnels in god knows where, Sandaime and his comrades arrived in a forsaken lab area.

"This looks nasty. I better summon Enma for this one," said Sandaime while adding blood to a scroll.

In a blaze of fire and passion, the monkey king arrived in all of his glory.

"Let's shut this motherfucker down gentlemen," said Enma, cause he is badass.

The crew of skilled ninjas bust down a barricaded door and came face to face with the one and only-

"OROCHIMARU! WHAT THE FUCK?" screamed Sandaime, "What are you doing!"

The anbu glanced at one another while laughing uneasily.

"I have captured these ninja and am performing hideous tests on them. Why do you ask?" replied Orochimaru.

"For what?" asked Sandaime inspecting the corpses and half-dead men and women, nail-gunned to the wall.

"Well I have decided my soul purpose in life is to learn every single jutsu in the history of ninjakind. In an evil and menacing way of course," said Orochimaru, matter-o-factly.

"I see. Well that is a pretty gay purpose. How the hell are you gonna learn every jutsu? When you die people will invent more jutsu, therefore you can't learn them all," said Sandaime.

The four anbu (and Enma) were watching in awe at Orochimaru and the Hokage's casual conversation, while there was painful moaning and a strange stench emitting from the tortured ninjas.

"Well you see, the whole point of this flashback is for you to kick yourself in the groin when you realize I have become immortal to serve this purpose," said Orochimaru.

"Oh haha I see," said Sandaime, "Well, you can't be Orochimaru anyways! He's far too awesome to do something this twisted and cruel!"

"Oh, yes! Of course!" said Orochimaru.

"You silly imposter, you!" laughed the Third Hokage.

The two insanely powerful men laughed together for a while the other ninjas gaped at them.

"Regardless of whether or not it's Orochimaru-"

"WHICH IT SO IS!" cried Enma, interrupting an anbu.

"-this man should be killed on the spot for these horrible, horrible crimes!"

"Oh, don't be so harsh you guys. Listen, we've all had a good laugh, but let's pack it up and head home," said a cheery Sandaime while skipping back out the door.

The others stood there shocked, once again, by the Sandaime's lack of any action.

"I PITY THE FOOL WHO DON'T KILL OROCHIMARU!" screeched Enma.

"Wow, what a dick," said Orochimaru, "You guys better leave too. You know, before I castrate you and nailgun you to the wall."

Enma promptly disappeared back to his own realm.

The remaining anbu slowly backed out of the room while watching Orochimaru laugh his ass off.

…

Thank you for reading, please review.

Next Chapter- Sakura and Ino


	6. Sakura and Ino

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

**Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks**

**Chapter 5: Sakura and Ino**

"Welcome to flower class young kunoichi," said a cheerful Suzume. Who was the teacher's name in that flashback, by the way.

Why there is a flower arranging class for girls in Konoha, no one really knows. 'To blend into the surroundings' they say. Chyeah, sure.

"Today you will be picking flowers and arranging them. Whoever has the most beautiful bouquet will be receiving a special prize from me," Suzume said while winking at them in a 'come hither' sort of way.

"Yahoo," cheered all the girls, as they ran into the flower fields.

Sakura tagged along after Ino. Ino was really nice! She gave her a bow to show her lovely forehead after all.

Speaking of foreheads…

"Hey Ino! Can I pick flowers with you?" asked shy little Sakura.

"Sure! Let's go over the-"

"Hey forehead girl!" interrupted a gang of bullies. (Who we shall call Bertha, Martha, and Gertrude. Martha is obviously the leader, because she stands in the middle. duh.)

The three unpleasant girls stomped over to Sakura and preceded to make fun of her.

Then out of NO WHERE flowers were lodged in Martha's throat! Oh my!

"Ino, they're just flowers…look, I'm pulling them out now, no harm done," said Martha.

"Yes, I see that," said Ino," What you don't know is that it was all a clever distraction so you wouldn't know I was about to PUNCH YOU IN THE CUNT!" screamed Ino as she thrust her fist into the other girl's loins.

The three bullies were then SERVED and ran away shamefully.

"Wow Ino, you are so awesome and clever," whispered Sakura.

"What was that you said?" inquired Ino.

"Oh nothing… so what flowers are we going to pick?"

"Well let's start out with the cosmos! It is the prettiest flower and it means harmony…come tot think of it, I'M pretty harmonious! This flower represents me!" screamed Ino in delight.

"Cool, Ino! What flower would represent me?" asked Sakura.

"The white rose," said Ino immediately.

"REAALLY? White roses are soooo cute! What does a white rose mean?" asked Sakura. She sure does ask Ino a lot of stuff.

"Death."

"…"

"…"

"HAHA just kidding!" said Ino.

"Oh phew," said Sakura while wiping her forehead," I was a little panicked for a minute there. Now seriously, what would I be?"

"Well, you wouldn't be a flower at all. You're still a bud."

"…"

"…"

"Haha, nice one Ino. Now seriously enough jokes," said Sakura, looking a bit worried.

"No, I'm being serious. You haven't bloomed yet. You were planted, like, yesterday. And your farmer is totally not watering you," said Ino with a furrowed brow.

Sakura hung her head in disappointment, then a burning fury erupted inside of her.

"ARE YOU SAYING I'M UGLY?" shrieked Sakura.

"No, I'm about to say something really profound. You wanna know why I gave you that ribbon for your hair?" asked Ino politely.

"INO YOU SUCK! I HATE YOU! FROM THIS POINT ON WE ARE RIVALS!" screamed Sakura as she stomped off with a fiery rage.

Ino was left sitting there confused.

"Wait Sakura! You got your lines wrong! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT WHEN WE BOTH FALL IN LOVE WITH SASUKE!"

Sakura continued to stomp off, leaving Ino even MORE confused.

…

In the distance, while practicing with his fire techniques, Sasuke fell into a plothole and disappeared forever.

…

Thank you for reading, please review.

Next Chapter – Kakashi and Obito.


	7. Kakashi and Obito

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

A/N- I laughed SO HARD randomly while writing parts of this chapter. I hope you guys laugh as hard as I did cause it was FUN.

This chapter is based on the Kakashi Gaiden. Do not read this if you're not that far in the manga because 1. Spoilers and 2. It will be hard to understand because I don't go into much detail.

Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks

Chapter 7: Kakashi and Obito

…

"Listen up kids, Kakashi has been promoted to Jounin today!" announced a cheerful Yondaime," What gifts did you bring for him Rin, Obito?"

"I got you a medical kit!" said Rin. "I wrapped it in my underwear."

"…"

Everyone stared at her as she looked at Kakashi lustfully. Hey, he's a cute kid.

"Errm, okay. What did you get for him, Obito?"

"HA!" shot Obito. "I got you NOTHING! I spit on your foolishness!"

"Jeez, you guys are weird," said Yondaime. "Well I got you something extra cool, Kakashi!"

Yondaime spun around a few times and whipped out a super awesome looking kunai.

"I'll give you this! It's a special kunai!" He yelled at the top of his lungs as he went sort of cross eyed. In the background, the Special Kunai Themesong started to play.

Yondaime, Rin, and Obito started bouncing up and down softly to the music. You know how people dance when the Oompa Loompa song comes on? It was like that.

The music slowly died away as Yondaime wiped a tear from his eye. "Man I love that song," he said wistfully.

Kakashi just stood there. HORRIFIED. His team was nuts.

"So the reason we are on this lovely stretch of road is because our country is a terrible, bloody, and gruesome war. We are to destroy an enemy bridge so the opposition starts getting HUNGRY without necessary supplies," Yondaime explained.

"Kakashi, you will lead Obito and Rin to destroy the bridge. I will be doing…other stuff."

"Okay!" said an elated Rin.

"I AM AGAINST THIS!" screamed Obito. He started spewing obscenities in a circle of flaming rage. What he did not realize was that his team started setting up tents for the night, while ignoring him.

_Later that night_

Obito was sitting in his tent throwing kunai at Kakashi. Nothing happened because his aim was off by about three feet. Every five minutes or so, he'd have to run over to Kakashi and retrieve all of his kunai.

Yondaime sensed Obito's wrath and summoned him for a little chat.

"Obito, what's with all the blind hatred?" asked Yondaime.

"Well, since I'm a Uchiha and all…I gotsta to be strong, but Kakashi is making me look bad, ya dig?"

"Yeeeeaahh…Well don't direct all of your pent up rage towards Kakashi." He went on to explain about Kakashi's horrible past.

"Well I'm glad we had this casual chat about your rival's personal and hideous secrets."

"Yeah, me too," said Obito while staggering back to his tent.

_Next Day_

"Alright Kakashi! Have fun on your very first mission!" screamed Yondaime as he teleported into oblivion.

"Follow me," said Kakashi solemnly.

"Okay lover," said Rin, which broke Obito's cold and lonely heart.

"Right, Captaaarrgghh…Captairrarhrhf…" Obito started going into convulsions.

"Captain?" offered Kakashi.

"Yeeaah," breathed Obito," Let's go."

All was silent while the newly formed Team Kakashi made their way through the country border. As they were trudging through the woods, enemy ninjas attacked and captured Rin! Oh, no!

Obito sighed. "Well let's go after her," he said as he started walking in the opposite direction.

"No."

"…What do you mean no?" asked Obito.

"We will stay with the mission. Rin will be in no danger. Now let's go," said Kakashi.

"Ninjas who break the rules may be trash…But those who do not support their teammates are lower than trash," said Obito, in a sudden outburst of wisdom.

"We will carry on with this mission."

"…Just because your dad died like this doesn't mean you will be in the same situation."

"Who told you about that?"

"They found a cure for leprosy. Even if you get it you won't die," said Obito.

"What? My dad killed himself because he was hated after deviating from a mission. He went to save his teammates but failed the mission, leading to even more deaths," explained Kakashi.

'_CURSE YOU YONDAIME! YOU ARE FULL OF LIES!' ,_ thought Obito.

"I will not break the rules. Let's go finish our task."

"I think you father was a hero."

As Obito opened his eyes after his profound statement, he saw that Kakashi had already left.

"Shit!"

"I hope Rin is okay," said Obito out loud, nearing Rin's location.

"What? Is someone talking to me?" said Rin.

"I said I hope you are okay!" shouted Obito from a tree.

"ENEMIES!" screamed one of Rin's captors in the distance.

He was about to go apeshit on Obito's ass when OUT OF NOWHERE, Kakashi came swinging in with amazing steel blades protruding from his knuckles.

"When did you get those things?" asked Obito.

"I'm in another comic book too," Kakashi said while pointed to the giant X on his chest.

"Oh. Okay. By the way, watch out."

The attacking ninja proceeded to aim for Obito but got Kakashi's EYE instead.

"OOWWWW! FUCKINGBITCHMUTHERFUCKINGTHUNDERCUNTCOCKSUCKER!" screamed Kakashi as his eyeball was ripped out of his skull in a graphic display of vulgarity.

Obito watched the scene in horror, realizing just how much of a pussy he was. He started talking to himself about protection and worthiness and blah blah blah… then BAM! SHARINGAN! Now you know the secret, too.

Kakashi and Obito then formed the Duo of Invincibility. Because we all know Kakashi + Sharingan PWN.

They beat down the ninja and went to find Rin. She was very close by and guarded by yet another enemy.

"Ew. Rin, your chakra is icky looking," said Obito.

"Must be Genjustsu," Kakashi stated.

"AARRGGHHH!" cried the enemy ninja as he attacked. Of course, he did not hold a candle to the awesomeness that is Kakashi and Obito.

Just before their victory was sealed, the enemy resorted to lame, cheaty tactics and created a rockslide.

Since Obito now radiates awesomeness, he saved a certain someone from becoming a Kakashi pancake, getting hit by the boulders himself.

"Bleh," said Obito when he got squashed. Cause that's the sound you make when he get squished.

"OMIGOD!" screamed Kakashi and Rin.

"I guess we're even now, eh Kakashi?" Obito said while pointed to his squished eye," Well at least I'll die with one Sharingan left."

"Well…come to think of it…"

"Yeah," said Rin, "You never DID get Kakashi a present…"

"Wait what? What are guys trying to imply?" asked Obito, suddenly afraid.

"And, Kakashi would look even MORE hot with a Sharingan in a scarred eye socket," said Rin.

"Yeah," Kakashi nodded.

"I'm gonna die, huh?" asked Obito with a grimace.

"Looks like," said his team, looking REALLY sad. Honest.

"Crap. Take it out then, you bastards."

After the surgery was done, Kakashi blasted apart some stuff and went to Chidori the jerk's face off.

"Take care of Rin, Kakashi," said Obito nonchalantly.

"Yes Kakashi. Take care of me," said Rin, causing Kakashi to go into epilepsy.

Just before they were about to leave Obito to die in the pit of doom, Rin bent down and kissed him on the cheek just like everyone wanted her to.

They reached the surface and…SIGH…more enemies had arrived.

"GODDAMIT THEY NEVER GO AWAY!" screamed Kakashi. He got a chidori all ready in one hand and Yondaime's Special Kunai in the other. Then he blacked out.

The Special Kunai Themesong started to play. Far, far away where Yondaime was slitting people's throats and such, he started bouncing up and down for no apparent reason.

"EGAD! THE SPECIAL KUNAI THEMESONG DANCE! KAKASHI IS IN PERIL!" he screamed as he poofed out of the panel and into Kakashi's.

Yondaime poofed around to cause them all immeasurable pain and save his remaining pupils.

Later that night when Kakashi awoke, he found Rin and Yondaime hovering over him.

"See there," said Rin," Pretty cool, huh?"

"Actually yeah," said Yondaime," He looks pretty Rico Suave."

"What? Where are we? When did Sensei get here?" asked Kakashi.

"I go where the Special Kunai Themesong takes me," said Yondaime as his eyes started rolling into different directions.

…

Thanks for reading, please review.

Next Chap- Iruka minus his parents


	8. Iruka sans Parents

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Thank you reviewers!

EvilFuzzy9: Invader Zim is my favorite show too! They cancelled it because no one understands how HILARIOUS it is.

Some people have been asking me about Naruto in this fic. Don't worry…all in due time.

Uncensored Angsty Flashbacks

Chapter 8 : Iruka sans parents

…

Iruka's Mom and Dad were driving their Jeep Grand Cherokee around Konoha.

Mr. Umino's hair blew gracefully in the wind as he sighed.

"Wife, don't you wish Iruka were here to enjoy this fantastic adventure with us?"

"I sure do. Let's enjoy this stroll for him!"

They both chuckled as they continued on their jaunt. Little did they know that Iruka was safer at home playing with his silly putty.

They were nearing the gates of Konoha when they heard ominous roars in the distance. All of a sudden the Kyuubi came strolling in like he owned the place.

"That sure doesn't look good," said Mr. Umino as he stopped the car a few feet from Kyuubi. "Wife, do your future telling jutsu to see what is in store for us!"

Mrs. Umino nodded as she yelled, "Prediction no jutsu!"

She took her magic eight ball out of her pocket and shook it vigorously.

"Will we make it out of this alive?" she whispered lovingly into it.

It read _Ask again Later_.

She frowned. "Then will we ever see our dear Iruka again?"

_Outlook Does Not Look Good._

"Shit," they said.

"We might as well try to protect our village by defeating the fox," said Mr. Umino.

"Kay!" said Mrs. Umino.

They got out of their car and walked over to the gate where the Kyuubi was lounging.

The Uminos started snapping and swatting the air frantically.

"HEY! SHOO!" snap snap " GET OUT OF HERE!"

The Kyuubi raised an eyebrow. Figuratively. How dare these silly humans challenge him?

To show his authority, the Kyuubi tore a nearby house out of the ground, raped it, lit it on fire, and then ate it.

The Uminos totally ran away after that.

They jumped into their car and drove at top speed on the road towards safety.

Kyuubi was OUTRAGED. He chased after them and created little fire minions to chase the Uminos as well. It was just like PACMAN! Or Pac-woman…whatever you like.

The Uminos were screaming like crazy fools until they reached the Hokage's tower.

"HOKAGE-SAMA! SAVE US!"

Yondaime poked his head through the window.

"What is it, citizens of Konoha!" he screamed.

"The flippin' Kyuubi is here to keeeel us!" shouted Mrs. Umino.

"EGADS! I see that you are correct! Let me go get my recipe book!" shouted Yondaime.

Yondaime shuffled manically through all of his papers. Then suddenly-

"Found it! One sealing of the Kyuubi coming right up!" Then he threw a special kunai out of the window for good measure.

As the Special Kunai Themesong was playing, ( And Yondaime was shaking his booty) he went through his medicine cabinet for the proper ingredients.

He grabbed a forbidden scroll, and pulled Naruto out of a jar.

"Okay time for the MAGIC!" Yondaime screamed.

He threw Naruto and the scroll forcefully at Kyuubi.

"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Kyuubi as he went up in a puff of smoke.

"Hooray!" shouted the Uminos, "Let's go home to see little Iruka!"

"Okay- but wait! Where is Yondaime?" Mr. Umino inquired, craning his neck around in search of their Hokage.

"I dunno…he'll turn up. Let's go!" said Mrs. Umino enthusiastically.

Then without warning, Mr. and Mrs. Umino spontaneously combusted.

_Far away_

Umino Iruka felt a sense of dread fill him. Then suddenly, he tripped over his silly putty and cut his nose on a piece of glass.

…

Oh wow…review…actually that was so bad…just go do whatever.

Thanks for reading!

Next chap- Tsunade and everyone she's ever loved


	9. Tsunade and everyone she’s ever loved

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

I was gonna disown this fic…but meh. Here is the next chapter!!

Chapter 8 : Tsunade and everyone she's ever loved

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As a wee lad, Tsunade was mighty powerful.

She would tromp around and beat up the neighborhood boys.

She even went as far as creating an elaborate arm wrestling tournament in which she obviously came out the victor.

The elders AKA DANZOU OMG could absolutely not put up with this.

In the night, they secretly broke into her house, which was a cave btw, and plucked out a single strand of her hair.

It is beyond me why she lives in a cave because she is related to the Hokage. It would make sense that she would live in the Hokage tower but whatever.

Anyways, the elders cast a voodoo curse upon Tsunade, using her strand of hair.

The curse made it so that Tsunade would remain being strong and beautiful, but everyone she expressed love towards to would die.

"Aw come on guys!" said one of the elders named Stan, "How could we do something so cruel?"

"SHUTUP" screamed Danzou, "I will not have a GIRL be stronger than the boys I am training in my secret anbu club."

"Your stupid anbu club will never become official!! Its headquarters are in a tree!" shouted Stan.

Danzou was OUTRAGED. His eyebrows made several flamboyant movements before he slapped Stan across the cheek with the back of his hand.

"How DARE you call my secret anbu club stupid!!" screamed Danzou.

A massive catfight ensued. The wounds Stan inflicted upon Danzou are STILL healing to this day, hence the bandages.

Stan, on the other hand, is dead. May he rest in peace.

The very next day, Tsunade's little brother died.

"NOOO," she wailed when she found out about her brother's demise.

She wallowed in sorrow until a young, handsome man named Dan strolled into her life.

"Hi, I'm Dan!"

"I'm Tsunade. You're pretty funny, but what is your real name?"

"Um, it's really Dan. Just Dan," he replied.

"Not Danu? Or Dani? Or Danmaru?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"No…Dan…" he said, starting to wonder if in fact that was REALLY his name.

"Alright," Tsunade said, clasping Dan's hand in her own, "I guess this is about the time we start a romantic relationship."

"Hmm…alright!" said Danmaru while accepting a nifty necklace from Tsunade.

The voodoo gods, however, had other things planned.

Tsunade and Dan were walking in the woods when a WAR erupted. And Dan got STABBED!

"WWWHHHYYYYYY?!?!" screamed Tsunade.

"It's the stupid necklace!!" shouted Danzou from his secret anbu tree.

"OMFG you're right! I gave this to my brother, who's name escapes me, and to my LOVER!"

"AND THEY ARE BOTH DEAD!" shouted Danzou.

"I will never give this to ANYONE!" whispered Tsunade to herself.

"Unless they ask me really hard!" vowed Tsunade as she fist-pumped the air.

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Thanks for reading, please review

Next chap will be the last FINALLY!


	10. Final Chap : Naruto

**Final Chap.**

**Naruto**

* * *

Naruto's life was like one never ending angsty flashback.

Every time he found happiness, it was abruptly ripped away like a child ferociously ripping the perforated seal off a package of Oreo's.

The fifteen year old Naruto, having nothing better to do, stopped inside Ichiraku and ordered his favorite ramen.

He sat twirling the chopsticks in his hand, reminiscing about the good old days when Sasuke had a shirt that covered his chest.

Slurping up his noodles, he felt a sharp poke in his side as the noodles spilled out of his mouth and he went cross-eyed.

"HEY," screamed Naruto, "WHO THE HELL DOES THAT?? I WAS…omg…SASUKE?"

"Hi," said Sasuke.

"Yoooouuu!!!! What are you doing?! Where's Orochimaru??"

"Well you see, I killed him, made a gang of outlaws, killed my brother, restored my clan with this random girl with glasses, and now I'm back "

Naruto gaped at him with his mouth hanging open. In his mind, several thoughts raced back and forth.

Finally he decided to just accept it and welcome his old buddy back.

"OH SASUKE! HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!" sobbed Naruto, "Let's go find Sakura! Then we can be a team again! THE GOOD TIMES ARE BACK DAWG!"

He grabbed Sasuke's hand and frolicked to Sakura's house. He blew off her door with a quick Rasengan and shouted her name.

"SAAAKUUURAAAA!!! Look what I found!"

"What, Naruto?!" Sakura screamed, obviously annoyed.

She huffed to the door about to punch Naruto in the gut when she saw HIM.

"Sa-Sasuke..?!"

She ran straight past Naruto into Sasuke's arms, crying uncontrollably.

After a brief and touching reunion, Sakura and Naruto visited each house in Konoha, showing off their friend.

They took him to the Hokage tower and he received several medals of honor, for no apparent reason, from the Hokage.

Women were coming out of nowhere offering their virginity to the young Uchiha.

Hell, even Hinata was offering Sasuke some lovin.

Eventually, the manga title morphed into _Sasuke _as a parade welcoming back the Uchiha went on for six straight days.

Naruto, used to being brushed off, humbly accepted the change and got used to the role of "best friend" instead of "protagonist."

Thus, Naruto's angsty flashback is a neverending time paradox that cannot successfully reach a conclusion…

UNTIL

He found his calling as a pastry chef, left Konoha, and got a show on the Food Network.

THE END

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**Thanks for actually reading to the end…I know the finale is a bit lackluster but I wanted to finish the damn thing.**

**Thanks again for reading and please review!**


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